Category Archives: humor

Mixed Signals

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Entry to this week’s Crimson’s Creative Challenge!

“The record stands 11 to 10” chirped Kris as he tied off his skip to the wharf. The last race had gone exceptionally well given the headwinds in the last hour.

“You got lucky this time! If it wasn’t for that alligator that started tailgating my boat” yelled Wheaton who was still sweating from the near life-death experience.

“Tailgating both of us. I recall being neck and neck when that log started drifting on its own. You made the first move to break away before it pounced”

“Bah, how was I supposed to know gators like moving prey. Don’t they prefer to sneak up on their food?”

Kris gave a slight grin as he took a gander around Wheaton’s craft. “Maybe it wasn’t looking for food. That engine of yours makes a pretty deep rumble.”

Old Patron

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Entry to this week’s Fandango Flash Fiction Challenge!

“Who’s the man that you keep sketching every week in the studio?” inquired Madeline. Her father had recently took to portraiture drawing after a decade long hiatus in the arts.

“This is my old college roommate Dan. He made a bet that I couldn’t remember his face after all these years so I accepted the challenge… Ten portraits over several weeks depicting his ugly mug under the best of all possible lights!”

“Heheh, do you plan on showing these beautiful caricatures to his wife? She’ll be the best of judges” grinned Maddy with a devilish eye.

“Even better. I’m going to put them on exhibit and invite the two over. The expo will be called Recollections of a Wanted Man.”

Itinerant

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Entry to this week’s mind love miserys menagerie!

Mathew: The folks who manage the Belvedere have a saying that there’re two types of people who stay here. Stray cats, and lost dogs.

Joseline: Oh is that so. Why not a third like a homely Kangaroo?

Mathew: Hear me out.

Joseline: Ok

Mathew: The stray cats are a flighty bunch who can’t settle in any one place for long. Their daemon is an ever-rising tide that follows them. Boredom is the trigger but I believe it to be dread. What’s on the other side of the tide, they refuse to see much less willing to dip their paws into. And so, they must keep scurrying from one ledge to the next till none remain.

Joseline: Ha! must be why existential cat loathes the tub. But how do they end up at the Belvedere then?

Mathew: Well that is because of the lost dogs.

Joseline: Let me guess, orphans who are looking for a home?

Mathew: Yes in a way but more sad. Lost dogs are sniffing for a master that they have never known. It’s an instinct that should have never evolved had they stayed wolves instead of submitting to the other. Because of this, they carry an aura of loneliness of the most repellant sort and will follow the slightest affection to the ends of the Earth.

Joseline: Is Belvedere at the ends of the Earth?

Mathew: Almost. When stray cats and lost dogs meet, a terrible misunderstanding happens. The former confuses attention for a perch. The latter mistakes charm for love. The Belvedere is the prison from which the cats can’t leave and the dogs can’t enter. It is hell on Earth!

Joseline: Who are you?

Mathew: Why the exterminator of course. How else to keep the numbers down?

Beachside Memes

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Entry to this week’s FFFC!

Apologies for any offenses beforehand 🙂

  1. Fetch the native!
  2. Fetch the change!
  3. Aww… is that your finger of death? Here’s mine
  4. Et tu Fandango?
  5. You have some barks on your hands.
  6. Ruff texture
  7. Couldn’t give two woofs.
  8. Thank me for my love!
  9. He really does love me!
  10. How narcissists and codependents ideate.

Voodoo Sweets

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Entry to this week’s Friday Fictioneers!

The old witch had enough of the kids who pranked her house last Halloween. This time, she’d offer them some special sweets inspired from her apprenticeship in Haiti decades ago. A simple voodoo spell she cast on the confections, normally used to link sensations between patients and healers once consumed. Only fools would bite at the same apple twice and more so if tempted she smirked. Laying out the fancy bowl of delectables by the door, she inscribed in fine print on a placard “Please take only one”. Those kids should be feeling a bit wobbly by night’s end!

Change of Plans

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Seth received careful instructions for the wedding. A cornucopia of balloons, draperies, and fans would spring from the building’s façade. Explosions of color, fruits, and music would fill the venue. A pink convertible will take the newly weds away into the sunset. The promised day came but the bride and groom were no shows. Seth called all the family members, friends, attendees as to their whereabouts but nothing turned up. Frantic, he checked their social media, but no updates had been made. The following day, he received a text message from the would be couple. Both the bride and groom developed cold feet and fled the state. Chance found the two at the very same casino in Vegas after a night of heavy drinking. Swords were drawn and venom spewed but by early morning, the pair found themselves happily married outside a gaudy chapel.

Word Challenge (Insult, Flea)

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“It is but a flea in a haystack of manure” Tommy exclaimed. “Am I to rend all the speckles from your silverware too?”

“Yes” remarked Matilde with a slight haught and raised chin.  “And despeckle the grainy bits from the photo collection afterwards. I expect the highest diligence from you without grievances. Do I make myself clear?”

“Grievances?!” yelped Tommy and turning red from the insult. “I’ll have you know you’ll be getting more grievances than diligence by the time I’m done!”

…………..
30 years later and ongoing

“Eeek! There’s a bug in my soup Tom. Get it out! Get out!”

***click***

“This one’s for the permanent collections :)”