Tag Archives: irony

iTool

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Entry to this week’s 3LineTales! Photo courtesy of Ashim D’Silva

One tool to distract them all,

One tool to track them,

One tool to blind them all and on the interwebs sell them.

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The Gambler

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Entry to this week’s Sunday Photo Fiction!

 

Jack found a tiny hook by the edge of a small pond. Tying a piece of string to its end, he threw it into the water and in short order, the pond offered him a fish. Impressed, Jack bought up a hundred tiny hooks and threw them into the pond. Not a single fish was caught. Puzzled, he asked the captive fish why the others didn’t bite. The fish replied that its siblings were young and haven’t yet lived out their lives. Not believing the fish, Jack bought a large hook and rowed out to the center of the pond. As soon as he dropped the line, three rows of giant teeth sprang from the depths and swallowed him and the boat whole.

The Casket

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Entry to this week’s Friday Fictioners! Image courtesy of Al Forbes

“The funeral procession starts tomorrow and you’re driving this?!”

“I’m placing John in the back-seat and taking the front wheel.”

“Don’t you think the chassis is a bit… gaudy?”

“It’s vintage and I think quite fitting to his instructions.”

“He did say that he wanted to be buried in style; I took it to mean well-dressed. Did you ensure an open-casket?”

“Open-casket? The entire automobile is the casket. He asked to be buried with style!”

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Distractify

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Entry to this week’s FFfaW! Image courtesy of Ellespeth’s friend.

“Hey Billy! Turn off that goddamn phone! We’re in the middle of a repair job here!“

“Sorry Joe. I don’t want to miss the Knicks game. They’re playing in the finals right now.”

“It can wait. Two guys have already died pulling a stunt like yours. You want to become a statistic?”

Billy smirked as he put on some headphones. “Nah, I got this covered Joe. Winds, heights, and debris don’t scare me!” he yelled but a moment too soon. The rest of the crew had heard the loud crack beneath his scaffold.

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The Contract

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Entry to this week’s Sunday Photo Fictioner!

Lancelot repeatedly dove headfirst from the church steeple onto the stony road below. However, neither ground nor body gave way, denying his soul passage to the after-life.

“Mephistopheles!” he rages. “Show yourself!”

Mephistopheles materializes over the unbroken road. “Ah, it’s good to see you too Sir Lancelot. I hope your time on Earth is well-spent? chuckle”

“We had a done deal! A millennium of servitude for a life of immortality. What’s the meaning of this?”

“It seems our terms are still in effect. I’ve already granted your immortality; are the conditions not up to your satisfaction?”

“You devil! Suspending the passage of time was not part of the arrangement. Nothing I do now matters.”

“Oh!… Mattering was never part of the arrangement after the world froze. Your flesh will not decay. Your bones will never break. You need not even breathe for the air does not move. Death becomes no subject to you and you no subject to the world. Ingenious no?”

“God dammit! Is it too late to revise our agreement?”

“My apologies but only God’s grace can sever a contract as this. After-all, you proposed the initial terms. HE filled in the missing details.”

The Leap!

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Entry to this week’s Sunday Flash Fiction! Had some fun with this one 😉

“And there I was, munching on some long-greens by old Benny’s fence when I saw her. Iggy Longhorn… the most beautiful lass ever to set hoof on these grassy plains. Jerry who saw the whole thing can attest to that.”

“Amen.”

“Anyways. Convention dictates that I greet her proper, usually at some gathering by the waterhole near family. Those channels were unavailable given the circumstances.”

“What happened next Jack?”

“Well after initial shock wore off, I realized that she’d been running. Behind her, Looney’s lionesses, about six of them, had been in hot-pursuit, taunting and trying to nip at her tail.”

“Unbelievable! To think that Looney’s crew had the gall to harass Miss Longhorn, especially on our lands!”

“Well not exactly. Iggy had accidentally wandered into the open territories and tried to find a way back. She was on the OTHER side of old Benny’s fence when I first saw her.”

“Gasp… Is Miss Longhorn ok? Did she get hurt? What did you do?”

“Instincts took over and I backed up maybe twenty or thirty feet.”

“Did you run and get help?”

“Even better. I charged and LEPT as far and high as I could right on-over old Benny’s fence. Must have scared the Savannah out of those cats cause they high-tailed it right-on out of there. Then I escorted Iggy back to her family and we’ve been together since!”

Miss Longhorn who had been eavesdropping the whole time silently crept up from behind.

In a booming voice, she announced “funny you should mention THIS story Jack!” before biting his tail, causing him to leap five-feet up into the air. “Looks like you could of made it back WITHOUT my help!”

Fortune’s Bench

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Entry to this week’s Flash Fiction for Aspiring Writers! Image courtesy of Ady.

“Fortune rewards those who wait.
Beware those who tempt fate.”

“Why would someone nail a plaque to the underside of a park bench?” Jimmy wondered after reading the inscription. He had spotted the message after discovering a shiny silver dollar half-mixed with the wood-chips near his feet. “Must be my lucky day then” he chuckled while pocketing the coin and taking his leave.

The next day, Jimmy returned to the park bench and discovered a hundred-dollar bill half-concealed near the same vicinity from yesterday. Suspicious of a trap, he bid his time idling for a full ten minutes whilst checking his surroundings. When the coast seemed clear, he quickly scooped up the auspicious find and left without incident.

On the third day, Jimmy once again returned to park bench. To his disbelief, a giant gold nugget lay half-excavated in the same place as before; a blind man could practically see it from afar. More suspicious than ever now, he took up residence near some playground equipment and watched. Other people who passed the bench appeared oblivious. Those who sat down and left did not suddenly die. Jimmy waited and waited till the sun finally set before making his move. He took to his knees to begin digging but as soon as his finger tickled the nugget, the ground beneath him opened up and within a second swallowed him full! A single silver dollar then spat out from the ground followed by a deep rumble that sounded like a “burp”.

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